Abused but not broken…

What if I fly?

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I spend a lot of time fighting depression. Fighting fears. Fighting anxiety. Fighting fatique. Fighting tears. Fighting frustration. I could keep going, but let’s just say I’m always fighting something. And honestly, I am tired. There have been plenty of days where I’ve considered giving up and not fighting anymore. But I can’t picture what that would look like. Do I just stand still? Stay in bed forever? Maybe be like Sigourney Weaver in that movie where she was agoraphobic and wouldn’t leave her home, order everything and have it delivered or hire a personal assistant to do everything for me?

Ok none of that works for me realistically and I ignore all of my darker thoughts because they terrify me. So as of late I’ve burned more sage, candles, and incense. I’ve spent more time on myself, journaling and meditating. I’ve started redirecting my thoughts to positive things even if that means just taking note of a certain color in nature. Noticing nature has done wonders for my moods. I’ve been earthing….have you all heard of that? I’ll talk about that more in another post sometime, but it’s been so good for my spirit. I’m more grounded and able to grasp peace more easily. I’m liking where I’m headed emotionally and spiritually.

As I’ve let all of this evolve into a ritual practice and become a part of my daily life I’ve noticed that the positive thoughts are coming naturally. And I’ve began to counter the negatives with something uplifting. I’ve began to imagine what could happen if I gave up the fear? What happens if I get out of bed and move through my day with a focus? What happens if I go out and actively meet people? What if I make an actual friend? What if…….

I’m learning not to go with the knot in my stomach. I’m learning to dream again. There’s always a chance I could fail. A chance I may get hurt. A chance I may fall. Oh, but what if I fly???

Merry Christmas

In all of the hustle and bustle, I wanted to take a moment to wish you all a lovely holiday. Hoping each of you feel all of the blessings and love this season is supposed to bring🙂

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With holidays comes a lot of anxiety for me. Traffic in and out and around me. Times of extreme discomfort with a lack of personal space. The dread of running into the source of my pain and constant battle for sanity. Although I thoroughly enjoy the time with my kids and my immediate family, the lump in my throat builds over this time, spreading to my stomach, and threatening to swallow me whole. After all of the merriment if the time it inevitably quiets down at night and then the thoughts begin.

What could have been? Could have been happy and carefree during holidays and family functions? Would I have been better organized and far less frazzled at this time of year? Would I see danger around every corner, in every room I’m not in with my children? Would I constantly wonder what’s bring said, suggested, shown to them? I  constantly afraid of what may happen? I lose so much more sleep this time of year because I feel like my control over every situation lessons with so many people, so many unknown and uncontrollable variables.

I wonder about my love life….or lack of really. I think back over every relationship and how each ended. Not one that’s been truly healthy, sometimes because of my choice of man, but more often because once they get too close or become too intertwined in my life the fears creep in and eventually wins. I wonder would I have had a normal (whatever that is) marriage or relationship, all loving and full of laughter, if not for my abuse? Would I be able to recognize and accept real love? Would I be able to trust? Would I feel secure and comfortable? Would my kids have had a 2 parent household and learned healthy relationship habits? What kind of habits have they learned from me at this point?

In my mind I see family dinners, days at the park, vacations. At this time of year I see things like the guys going off to choose the Christmas tree, arts and craft times, bonfires, cooking….all with dad involved. We do these things still, but I feel like something is missing and I wonder if my kids feel that void, too.

I see loneliness looming in the future. My oldest is almost grown and I’m trying my best not to smother my youngest in my paranoia and fear. I fight now too cling to the point that she feels completely codependent on me. And I know she’ll be grown and gone eventually, too. This year as I’m accepting the finality of my divorce I’m thinking it only lasted this long because we weren’t under the same roof. Had he lived here would have been unsettled I think. Not because of anything he said or did, but simply because he’s a man in personal space with my kids. Thats a horrible thought to have about a person you love, about a person that’s given you no reason to think that way. And here I am resigning myself to being alone because I can’t take that chance, bringing an outsider around my kids. Into our space. Risking anything happening to them, a monster in disguise slipping in. And by the time she’s grown….well, I’ll just be too out of touch with the dating world to even think about relationships. So yep, I see loneliness in my future.

I wonder what could have been. I mourn the life I never got the chance to have. I just wonder….

 

Just a hello

Hello fellow survivors. It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted here. In recent months I’ve just been fighting for my sanity and just to stay standing. So much has happened since I came forward with my story, so much has happened in my marriage, and so much has happened with me mentally and emotionally….it seems as though it all slammed into me at one time.

 

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I can honestly say I don’t know if I can function outside of my home sometimes. This is like my safe haven. And it’s safe and comfortable for my kids to be here, but if anyone else is here for too long I start to go insane internally. It isn’t long before it seems I’m snappy and much less than hospitable. I find that I have to force myself to go out and interact with people. I look in the mirror right now and see that I am not who I thought I’d be at this time, who I think I can be. And right now I’m sinking in what feels like quicksand. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get out of this this time.

I’m sure some of you understand me. Know exactly where I am. I’m sure someone will tell me that at some point I’ll look back and this will be a memory. Good grief, I’m hoping someone will tell me that with honesty. I do believe I need to get back into therapy.

I don’t know when it became so normal for me to pay a role. I mean I don’t remember the exact moment or even when it began. It seems is just always been that way.

I sat tonight and read words on a screen from an old friend describing me as happy, flirty, and fun. And I wonder where she went. I don’t see that person anymore when I look in the mirror, not sure I ever did. I saw a man of who I wanted to be. I have apparently been an actress worthy of an Academy.

Where did she go? Well I guess the birth of my daughter and the gut wrenching, panic attack inducing, heart stopping emotions of the nightmarish kind that surfacedas a result of my fears stripped me of my mask. I have floundered ever since, struggled to get my footing. At times I have spiraled downward into the darkest pits of depression, moving trance like through my days. Other times I’ve actually felt alive and like I was growing and flourishing.

One thing is certain though, I have to figure out how to leave the mask in its case. I’m embracing parts of my journey and taking steps towards embracing it all. Starting tonight.

I stepped out on the ledge of vulnerability and gave this blog info to my friend. I acted on trust, something I have rarely done with those I know personally in my inner circle. (That is another strange to thing to me, that I can share these details with strangers, but an paralyzed at the thought of those closest to me reading it.) Another step in my journey to healing?  Maybe. Just maybe.  Perhaps I’ll one day be that woman I wanted to be. Miss Happy Go Lucky Flirty

Well my therapist recommended that I continue my writing as I’m facing more challenging days again so here I am. Goodness, life can get so busy and I am literally too exhausted to write at times. But she’s right, this is a part of taking care of me as I’m taking care of others so on to the lines in the sand.

I’ve recently seen several family members, close relations to my abusers, and it’s left me with a very isolated feeling. I feel like the closer we are to each other the farther away I draw in my mind. This is where the line in the sand comes into play. Although I haven’t spoken to either of them about my story, I still feel like they know. Or at the least if they don’t know already then I am filled with certainty that should they every find out then they would be on his side. I’m not even sure why that’s important to me. Neither of them are the most important people in my world, but I always think it and feel it. Did that make any sense?

Anyway, I don’t really know what to do with that feeling. Right now my mind is so muddled with this depression black hole trying to consume me until it’s all I can do just move around during the day. I honestly haven’t had time to focus on it, but it’s there gnawing at the back of my mind and emotions. I’m moving through the day in mombie mode, but trying really hard to act as normal as possible. That’s mostly for my children’s benefit. I don’t want them to FEEL my tension and strain.

I actually got up and did a lot of productive looking things that I really can’t remember because it wasn’t actually productive, just busy work. But my daughter helped and to her it was a great success so that’s what counts. It was the middle of the day today that I showered and got all dressed up. The biggest place I went to was Wal-Mart, but it was enough to let me breath and see people living. I’m becoming quite a people watcher. And as I watch I wonder. My mind clicks with statistics. I wonder how many of them are me?

My sister recently showed me the site where you can see the sex offenders in your area. Why did she do that? I have never really looked on there, maybe out of fear. Yep, I can see where that fear comes from. I’m searching faces now for who’s who and I’ve actually seen a few of them. And my mind immediately searched the memory banks for what exactly their charges were. There goes the invisible line…..no that’s an invisible wall. I wonder if there’s a name for it? I think agoraphobia might be an apt description. The fun house effect is what I’m calling it, everything seems to move in weird angles and I lose my bearings for a moment. I feel like I’m going to suffocate and panic, like I have to get away. Sometimes I just leave the situation, sometimes my feet feel like they’re stuck in quicksand and a sick feeling fills my stomach. Other times I have this crazy calm moment where I can breath deeply and focus my mind and I’m ok to keep moving with my day. My children usually have to be with me for that happen though.

I honestly don’t know if it’s the older I get or the older my daughter gets, but it’s getting so much harder to appear normal in public places. I’m seriously getting to where I just don’t want to leave my home. I guess I’m embracing my own brand of crazy. No, that’s no true because in all honesty it scares the hell out of me most of the time. I wonder what I will do when my children leave home and I don’t have to leave as much? If there were a grocer that delivered here I just might become a recluse. Not healthy huh?

Now just as I’m sure this post looks like the ramblings of a crazy person, it’s time for me to sign off. Hoping tomorrow finds me in a changed mood and state of mind. And hoping you’re all doing well, coping better, and healing….well, just healing and growing and living. Loving and laughing.

Peace and light my dears.

the ME you never see

I’ve been very busy lately. Extremely so. I barely sleep. I’m constantly moving. Constantly doing. I’ve found myself on an upward spiral with work and school. I must admit that it’s a very productive picture from the outside. Very positive. Some days I feel exactly that, a sort of satisfied exhaustion.

And then it gets dark. The kids go to bed. The house gets quiet, the only sound being the a/c clicking off and on. And my thoughts, memories, fears, begin to scream so loudly until I can’t sit or lie still. I find myself extra productive at night for the simple fact that I’m trying to drown out the silence.

I’m at a time where I’m questioning so much more. I’m trying to picture my life going forward. Where will I be 5 years from now? Right now I have children at home, a husband, school, a business I’m trying to get off the ground, there’s just so much. 5 years from now I see me with 1 kid still at home, a business, and maybe school. My oldest will go off and live his life and I pray that my paranoia doesn’t take over his life. I worry that I go beyond teaching him caution, but that I’ve ill prepared him for other parts of life and made him too dependent. I wonder about my husband and if he’ll be able to continue handling my emotional instability and fears once he’s home and it’s in his face every day. On some level I think I’m preparing for when he can’t anymore and I’m safeguarding myself to make sure I’ll still be ok. See the paranoia?

People tell me on a regular basis that I’m so great. That I seem to have it together. That I’m a great mom. A busy person. That I’m so strong. I wonder if they ever stop to think of why or wonder if it’s not just on the surface?

These are my early morning ramblings.

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