Well my therapist recommended that I continue my writing as I’m facing more challenging days again so here I am. Goodness, life can get so busy and I am literally too exhausted to write at times. But she’s right, this is a part of taking care of me as I’m taking care of others so on to the lines in the sand.
I’ve recently seen several family members, close relations to my abusers, and it’s left me with a very isolated feeling. I feel like the closer we are to each other the farther away I draw in my mind. This is where the line in the sand comes into play. Although I haven’t spoken to either of them about my story, I still feel like they know. Or at the least if they don’t know already then I am filled with certainty that should they every find out then they would be on his side. I’m not even sure why that’s important to me. Neither of them are the most important people in my world, but I always think it and feel it. Did that make any sense?
Anyway, I don’t really know what to do with that feeling. Right now my mind is so muddled with this depression black hole trying to consume me until it’s all I can do just move around during the day. I honestly haven’t had time to focus on it, but it’s there gnawing at the back of my mind and emotions. I’m moving through the day in mombie mode, but trying really hard to act as normal as possible. That’s mostly for my children’s benefit. I don’t want them to FEEL my tension and strain.
I actually got up and did a lot of productive looking things that I really can’t remember because it wasn’t actually productive, just busy work. But my daughter helped and to her it was a great success so that’s what counts. It was the middle of the day today that I showered and got all dressed up. The biggest place I went to was Wal-Mart, but it was enough to let me breath and see people living. I’m becoming quite a people watcher. And as I watch I wonder. My mind clicks with statistics. I wonder how many of them are me?
My sister recently showed me the site where you can see the sex offenders in your area. Why did she do that? I have never really looked on there, maybe out of fear. Yep, I can see where that fear comes from. I’m searching faces now for who’s who and I’ve actually seen a few of them. And my mind immediately searched the memory banks for what exactly their charges were. There goes the invisible line…..no that’s an invisible wall. I wonder if there’s a name for it? I think agoraphobia might be an apt description. The fun house effect is what I’m calling it, everything seems to move in weird angles and I lose my bearings for a moment. I feel like I’m going to suffocate and panic, like I have to get away. Sometimes I just leave the situation, sometimes my feet feel like they’re stuck in quicksand and a sick feeling fills my stomach. Other times I have this crazy calm moment where I can breath deeply and focus my mind and I’m ok to keep moving with my day. My children usually have to be with me for that happen though.
I honestly don’t know if it’s the older I get or the older my daughter gets, but it’s getting so much harder to appear normal in public places. I’m seriously getting to where I just don’t want to leave my home. I guess I’m embracing my own brand of crazy. No, that’s no true because in all honesty it scares the hell out of me most of the time. I wonder what I will do when my children leave home and I don’t have to leave as much? If there were a grocer that delivered here I just might become a recluse. Not healthy huh?
Now just as I’m sure this post looks like the ramblings of a crazy person, it’s time for me to sign off. Hoping tomorrow finds me in a changed mood and state of mind. And hoping you’re all doing well, coping better, and healing….well, just healing and growing and living. Loving and laughing.
Peace and light my dears.