Wondering….

With holidays comes a lot of anxiety for me. Traffic in and out and around me. Times of extreme discomfort with a lack of personal space. The dread of running into the source of my pain and constant battle for sanity. Although I thoroughly enjoy the time with my kids and my immediate family, the lump in my throat builds over this time, spreading to my stomach, and threatening to swallow me whole. After all of the merriment if the time it inevitably quiets down at night and then the thoughts begin.

What could have been? Could have been happy and carefree during holidays and family functions? Would I have been better organized and far less frazzled at this time of year? Would I see danger around every corner, in every room I’m not in with my children? Would I constantly wonder what’s bring said, suggested, shown to them? I  constantly afraid of what may happen? I lose so much more sleep this time of year because I feel like my control over every situation lessons with so many people, so many unknown and uncontrollable variables.

I wonder about my love life….or lack of really. I think back over every relationship and how each ended. Not one that’s been truly healthy, sometimes because of my choice of man, but more often because once they get too close or become too intertwined in my life the fears creep in and eventually wins. I wonder would I have had a normal (whatever that is) marriage or relationship, all loving and full of laughter, if not for my abuse? Would I be able to recognize and accept real love? Would I be able to trust? Would I feel secure and comfortable? Would my kids have had a 2 parent household and learned healthy relationship habits? What kind of habits have they learned from me at this point?

In my mind I see family dinners, days at the park, vacations. At this time of year I see things like the guys going off to choose the Christmas tree, arts and craft times, bonfires, cooking….all with dad involved. We do these things still, but I feel like something is missing and I wonder if my kids feel that void, too.

I see loneliness looming in the future. My oldest is almost grown and I’m trying my best not to smother my youngest in my paranoia and fear. I fight now too cling to the point that she feels completely codependent on me. And I know she’ll be grown and gone eventually, too. This year as I’m accepting the finality of my divorce I’m thinking it only lasted this long because we weren’t under the same roof. Had he lived here would have been unsettled I think. Not because of anything he said or did, but simply because he’s a man in personal space with my kids. Thats a horrible thought to have about a person you love, about a person that’s given you no reason to think that way. And here I am resigning myself to being alone because I can’t take that chance, bringing an outsider around my kids. Into our space. Risking anything happening to them, a monster in disguise slipping in. And by the time she’s grown….well, I’ll just be too out of touch with the dating world to even think about relationships. So yep, I see loneliness in my future.

I wonder what could have been. I mourn the life I never got the chance to have. I just wonder….

 

Robin Williams passing

Depression is real and it’s a battle one fights every single day. Robin Williams is a testament to the fact that no amount of fame or fortune can cure it. And you can’t SEE it. That’s the scariest part. People go through every day and may look like they’re doing fine. But you have no idea what battles they’re fighting alone. So be an ear. The best thing you can do is let others know you’re there for them. I can tell you from my personal experience with depression, anxiety, and PTSD that sometimes it seems like no one is there or that they’ll dismiss what you’re going through. Maybe that they just won’t understand. And my worst fear is of judgement. 

Which brings my next thought. Why are people so judgemental??? I went to bed without knowing about this last night. But when I got up this morning and saw all of these postings about it I was deeply saddened. It’s horrible to know that someone who brought so much laughter, joy, and comfort to the world could end up so alone and feeling depression that would make him want to commit suicide. And yes, I’ve been told numerous times that suicide is a sin. But does anyone honestly believe that in this hour the family needs to hear about how he committed a sin and any other negative comments? Is that what you would want for yourself if it was one of your loved ones? Do you believe the loss would hurt any less, their life loses value, because they have killed themselves? No, not at all. My beautiful sister-in-law posted a response to these hurtful judgements that is so beautifully written, I can’t say it any better. Here is what she wrote: 

“Peoples ignorance astounds me!!!
Yes suicide is a sin, we all know it!!
But here is what many seem not to know or grasp for that matter.
Suicide isn’t the reason for suicide, there are so many reasons for it, too many to name. Depression is high on these reasons,it’s easy to say “awww, go talk it out,be stronger, pop a pill,I would never be like that!”
Well be glad you don’t fight a demon everyday of your life, be glad you’re not having to take medications to make you feel “normal”, but have to fight the side effects and ride a roller coaster of ups and downs , all while putting on a front for others. It saddens me that people are so judgmental…that they actually think these people would choose to take their life and know that their families will be devastated,haunted with “could I have done something”and always wanting to know why. So many I believe do it thinking they are saving their loved ones from having to ” deal” with them. I sincerely doubt that anyone who commits suicide really fully wants to, it more of they’re just so tired and just want it to be over…It’s a illness that there is very little “recovery” from.People always say ” there were no signs, he seemed so happy”,there are usually signs but are so small sometimes,people miss them…So instead of judging, say a prayer,be a friend,encourage they get help and above all listen!!!!”

And that is what I will leave this post with. Now is not the time for judgement. You never know what these battles unseen are really like unless you’ve been there. So please, say a prayer, be of some help, encourage others, listen, and pay attention to the details. You could make a difference…

Praying for the family and for all of those suffering in silence.