What if I fly?

I spend a lot of time fighting depression. Fighting fears. Fighting anxiety. Fighting fatique. Fighting tears. Fighting frustration. I could keep going, but let’s just say I’m always fighting something. And honestly, I am tired. There have been plenty of days where I’ve considered giving up and not fighting anymore. But I can’t picture what that would look like. Do I just stand still? Stay in bed forever? Maybe be like Sigourney Weaver in that movie where she was agoraphobic and wouldn’t leave her home, order everything and have it delivered or hire a personal assistant to do everything for me?

Ok none of that works for me realistically and I ignore all of my darker thoughts because they terrify me. So as of late I’ve burned more sage, candles, and incense. I’ve spent more time on myself, journaling and meditating. I’ve started redirecting my thoughts to positive things even if that means just taking note of a certain color in nature. Noticing nature has done wonders for my moods. I’ve been earthing….have you all heard of that? I’ll talk about that more in another post sometime, but it’s been so good for my spirit. I’m more grounded and able to grasp peace more easily. I’m liking where I’m headed emotionally and spiritually.

As I’ve let all of this evolve into a ritual practice and become a part of my daily life I’ve noticed that the positive thoughts are coming naturally. And I’ve began to counter the negatives with something uplifting. I’ve began to imagine what could happen if I gave up the fear? What happens if I get out of bed and move through my day with a focus? What happens if I go out and actively meet people? What if I make an actual friend? What if…….

I’m learning not to go with the knot in my stomach. I’m learning to dream again. There’s always a chance I could fail. A chance I may get hurt. A chance I may fall. Oh, but what if I fly???

Merry Christmas

In all of the hustle and bustle, I wanted to take a moment to wish you all a lovely holiday. Hoping each of you feel all of the blessings and love this season is supposed to bring 🙂

Wondering….

With holidays comes a lot of anxiety for me. Traffic in and out and around me. Times of extreme discomfort with a lack of personal space. The dread of running into the source of my pain and constant battle for sanity. Although I thoroughly enjoy the time with my kids and my immediate family, the lump in my throat builds over this time, spreading to my stomach, and threatening to swallow me whole. After all of the merriment if the time it inevitably quiets down at night and then the thoughts begin.

What could have been? Could have been happy and carefree during holidays and family functions? Would I have been better organized and far less frazzled at this time of year? Would I see danger around every corner, in every room I’m not in with my children? Would I constantly wonder what’s bring said, suggested, shown to them? I  constantly afraid of what may happen? I lose so much more sleep this time of year because I feel like my control over every situation lessons with so many people, so many unknown and uncontrollable variables.

I wonder about my love life….or lack of really. I think back over every relationship and how each ended. Not one that’s been truly healthy, sometimes because of my choice of man, but more often because once they get too close or become too intertwined in my life the fears creep in and eventually wins. I wonder would I have had a normal (whatever that is) marriage or relationship, all loving and full of laughter, if not for my abuse? Would I be able to recognize and accept real love? Would I be able to trust? Would I feel secure and comfortable? Would my kids have had a 2 parent household and learned healthy relationship habits? What kind of habits have they learned from me at this point?

In my mind I see family dinners, days at the park, vacations. At this time of year I see things like the guys going off to choose the Christmas tree, arts and craft times, bonfires, cooking….all with dad involved. We do these things still, but I feel like something is missing and I wonder if my kids feel that void, too.

I see loneliness looming in the future. My oldest is almost grown and I’m trying my best not to smother my youngest in my paranoia and fear. I fight now too cling to the point that she feels completely codependent on me. And I know she’ll be grown and gone eventually, too. This year as I’m accepting the finality of my divorce I’m thinking it only lasted this long because we weren’t under the same roof. Had he lived here would have been unsettled I think. Not because of anything he said or did, but simply because he’s a man in personal space with my kids. Thats a horrible thought to have about a person you love, about a person that’s given you no reason to think that way. And here I am resigning myself to being alone because I can’t take that chance, bringing an outsider around my kids. Into our space. Risking anything happening to them, a monster in disguise slipping in. And by the time she’s grown….well, I’ll just be too out of touch with the dating world to even think about relationships. So yep, I see loneliness in my future.

I wonder what could have been. I mourn the life I never got the chance to have. I just wonder….

 

Just a hello

Hello fellow survivors. It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted here. In recent months I’ve just been fighting for my sanity and just to stay standing. So much has happened since I came forward with my story, so much has happened in my marriage, and so much has happened with me mentally and emotionally….it seems as though it all slammed into me at one time.

 

I can honestly say I don’t know if I can function outside of my home sometimes. This is like my safe haven. And it’s safe and comfortable for my kids to be here, but if anyone else is here for too long I start to go insane internally. It isn’t long before it seems I’m snappy and much less than hospitable. I find that I have to force myself to go out and interact with people. I look in the mirror right now and see that I am not who I thought I’d be at this time, who I think I can be. And right now I’m sinking in what feels like quicksand. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get out of this this time.

I’m sure some of you understand me. Know exactly where I am. I’m sure someone will tell me that at some point I’ll look back and this will be a memory. Good grief, I’m hoping someone will tell me that with honesty. I do believe I need to get back into therapy.

Happy, go lucky, and flirty

I don’t know when it became so normal for me to pay a role. I mean I don’t remember the exact moment or even when it began. It seems is just always been that way.

I sat tonight and read words on a screen from an old friend describing me as happy, flirty, and fun. And I wonder where she went. I don’t see that person anymore when I look in the mirror, not sure I ever did. I saw a man of who I wanted to be. I have apparently been an actress worthy of an Academy.

Where did she go? Well I guess the birth of my daughter and the gut wrenching, panic attack inducing, heart stopping emotions of the nightmarish kind that surfacedas a result of my fears stripped me of my mask. I have floundered ever since, struggled to get my footing. At times I have spiraled downward into the darkest pits of depression, moving trance like through my days. Other times I’ve actually felt alive and like I was growing and flourishing.

One thing is certain though, I have to figure out how to leave the mask in its case. I’m embracing parts of my journey and taking steps towards embracing it all. Starting tonight.

I stepped out on the ledge of vulnerability and gave this blog info to my friend. I acted on trust, something I have rarely done with those I know personally in my inner circle. (That is another strange to thing to me, that I can share these details with strangers, but an paralyzed at the thought of those closest to me reading it.) Another step in my journey to healing?  Maybe. Just maybe.  Perhaps I’ll one day be that woman I wanted to be. Miss Happy Go Lucky Flirty

Lines in the sand….or the funhouse

Well my therapist recommended that I continue my writing as I’m facing more challenging days again so here I am. Goodness, life can get so busy and I am literally too exhausted to write at times. But she’s right, this is a part of taking care of me as I’m taking care of others so on to the lines in the sand.

I’ve recently seen several family members, close relations to my abusers, and it’s left me with a very isolated feeling. I feel like the closer we are to each other the farther away I draw in my mind. This is where the line in the sand comes into play. Although I haven’t spoken to either of them about my story, I still feel like they know. Or at the least if they don’t know already then I am filled with certainty that should they every find out then they would be on his side. I’m not even sure why that’s important to me. Neither of them are the most important people in my world, but I always think it and feel it. Did that make any sense?

Anyway, I don’t really know what to do with that feeling. Right now my mind is so muddled with this depression black hole trying to consume me until it’s all I can do just move around during the day. I honestly haven’t had time to focus on it, but it’s there gnawing at the back of my mind and emotions. I’m moving through the day in mombie mode, but trying really hard to act as normal as possible. That’s mostly for my children’s benefit. I don’t want them to FEEL my tension and strain.

I actually got up and did a lot of productive looking things that I really can’t remember because it wasn’t actually productive, just busy work. But my daughter helped and to her it was a great success so that’s what counts. It was the middle of the day today that I showered and got all dressed up. The biggest place I went to was Wal-Mart, but it was enough to let me breath and see people living. I’m becoming quite a people watcher. And as I watch I wonder. My mind clicks with statistics. I wonder how many of them are me?

My sister recently showed me the site where you can see the sex offenders in your area. Why did she do that? I have never really looked on there, maybe out of fear. Yep, I can see where that fear comes from. I’m searching faces now for who’s who and I’ve actually seen a few of them. And my mind immediately searched the memory banks for what exactly their charges were. There goes the invisible line…..no that’s an invisible wall. I wonder if there’s a name for it? I think agoraphobia might be an apt description. The fun house effect is what I’m calling it, everything seems to move in weird angles and I lose my bearings for a moment. I feel like I’m going to suffocate and panic, like I have to get away. Sometimes I just leave the situation, sometimes my feet feel like they’re stuck in quicksand and a sick feeling fills my stomach. Other times I have this crazy calm moment where I can breath deeply and focus my mind and I’m ok to keep moving with my day. My children usually have to be with me for that happen though.

I honestly don’t know if it’s the older I get or the older my daughter gets, but it’s getting so much harder to appear normal in public places. I’m seriously getting to where I just don’t want to leave my home. I guess I’m embracing my own brand of crazy. No, that’s no true because in all honesty it scares the hell out of me most of the time. I wonder what I will do when my children leave home and I don’t have to leave as much? If there were a grocer that delivered here I just might become a recluse. Not healthy huh?

Now just as I’m sure this post looks like the ramblings of a crazy person, it’s time for me to sign off. Hoping tomorrow finds me in a changed mood and state of mind. And hoping you’re all doing well, coping better, and healing….well, just healing and growing and living. Loving and laughing.

Peace and light my dears.

the ME you never see

I’ve been very busy lately. Extremely so. I barely sleep. I’m constantly moving. Constantly doing. I’ve found myself on an upward spiral with work and school. I must admit that it’s a very productive picture from the outside. Very positive. Some days I feel exactly that, a sort of satisfied exhaustion.

And then it gets dark. The kids go to bed. The house gets quiet, the only sound being the a/c clicking off and on. And my thoughts, memories, fears, begin to scream so loudly until I can’t sit or lie still. I find myself extra productive at night for the simple fact that I’m trying to drown out the silence.

I’m at a time where I’m questioning so much more. I’m trying to picture my life going forward. Where will I be 5 years from now? Right now I have children at home, a husband, school, a business I’m trying to get off the ground, there’s just so much. 5 years from now I see me with 1 kid still at home, a business, and maybe school. My oldest will go off and live his life and I pray that my paranoia doesn’t take over his life. I worry that I go beyond teaching him caution, but that I’ve ill prepared him for other parts of life and made him too dependent. I wonder about my husband and if he’ll be able to continue handling my emotional instability and fears once he’s home and it’s in his face every day. On some level I think I’m preparing for when he can’t anymore and I’m safeguarding myself to make sure I’ll still be ok. See the paranoia?

People tell me on a regular basis that I’m so great. That I seem to have it together. That I’m a great mom. A busy person. That I’m so strong. I wonder if they ever stop to think of why or wonder if it’s not just on the surface?

These are my early morning ramblings.

Where I am thinking of volunteering.

This article made me think of something I was told once by someone I thought was either quite ignorant or very bitter from past experiences….or both maybe.

“Volunteering and giving to a community or person is just a way to take the focus off yourself, but everyone is selfish and they aren’t giving anything to you so why bother?”

Well to an extent I agree, volunteering is a way to take the focus off of self. But it’s not about getting something in return (which is why it’s VOLUNTEERING, not bartering or employment). The reward is internal and for me is a result of the look of (insert positive emotion) on the face(s) of who ever I am helping at the moment.

I also believe that for those of us struggling with control issues it’s a way to reclaim some of our power. I personally love the feeling and thought that I’m NOT powerless. I DO have something to offer. I CAN help others. I’m valuable to my neighbors and community, even if in the smallest way.

I don’t share my reasons with my children except to point out that it’s helping someone else. And they’ve grown to enjoy it on their own and without my suggestion. I love that impact, positive additions to society.

 

 

Where I am thinking of volunteering..

9 Signs It’s Time To Let Go Of A Relationship….

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

http://www.powerofpositivity.com/9-signs-time-let-go-relationship/

Well as per this list, I should definitely be moving on. I have made all the parts that are issues in my marriage, bold.

Here are 9 signs it’s time to let go and move on

1. The person unremittingly breaks your trust.

There is a reason that trust is number one – because trust is the most important in each andevery kind of relationship. Trust is the foundation upon which a relationship is built, and it is mistrust which often destroys it. Nothing weakens a relationship more than being deceitful.

Something to understand – when you trust someone and they continuously break your trust, it’s not your fault it’s theirs. It’s very natural to immediately blame yourself for having trusted someone only to have them break that trust, but don’t.

It’s only through experience where we determine whether or not someone is trustworthy; either way, you’ll…

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Escaping the Victim Mentality

A victim mentality is one in which someone blames others for what happens or has happened in their world. It can also be considered a person who thinks the future only holds bad things for them or they are “unlucky.” It’s buying into and believing that circumstances are beyond your control. And it can be when you believe that what you’ve done or haven’t done during your life is the cause or reason for what’s happening in someone else’s life years and years later. This isn’t excusing someone that is actually an abuser. However, narcissistic and abusive people will have a victim of their abuse believing that they (the victim) are actually the abuser and that they’re crazy. Buying into that thought feeds that victim mentality.

A traumatic event such as child abuse, sexual abuse, or domestic violence can open the door for a person to believe that they’re destined to struggle, that they have or are bad luck. If you accept that way of thinking then you become a prisoner to your own limiting beliefs. For example, a small child sees his/her parent constantly struggling. That child hears the parent constantly blaming others (supervisor, co-worker, family member, friend) for whatever is going wrong. Every statement is about how nothing good ever happens to him/her. As this child grows that is the example they will follow. This child will engage in negative self talk (“I got a bad grade because I’m stupid and the teacher doesn’t like me”). As an adult when things don’t go right it’ll be because bad luck runs in the family or that no one ever taught him such and such. This child will always be the victim of circumstance, taking no responsibility for his own actions, and in essence attracting abusers.

This was me.

I’M THE VICTIM….ALWAYS

There’s a bit of security to be found in having a victim mentality. You really believe this is who you are so you learn to never expect more from the people around you so you don’t end up disappointed or hurt. People seem to help you more even though it’s usually out of pity. And you remove the personal responsibility from yourself because you have no control over yourself or your circumstances with this mentality. This mindset leaks into every part of your life, poisoning your self image, your relationship with everyone around you, and every opportunity that comes your way. It’s negative and unproductive because it will keep you from living. You just exist with this mentality. Survive, not thrive.

1. Take honest inventory. You have to be open and honest with yourself here. Admit to yourself if there are situations that YOU are accountable for? Even if you played a minor role, admit to yourself what your role was and accept it. Even though this may be difficult at first, this step will give you the freedom to move forward.

2. Acknowledge the pity party and your guests. A part of having a victim mentality is that somewhere along the way it was acknowledged and reinforced by others. As I said above, this usually comes from pity and that’s not a positive thing. Acknowledge those areas you can have more control over and figure out how to do just that.

3. Validate yourself. A huge part of falling into a victim mentality is that someone along the way put you in this role. Something happened. And 9 times out of 10, your experience, thoughts, feelings weren’t validated by those around you. And you got stuck in the victim role. Well validate yourself. It happened, whatever it was. And it hurt. In my case it happened over and over again in my own mind each time someone wrote it off as either not happening or not being a bid deal. Well that’s painful to a victim of abuse! However, you have to be strong enough to say “YES IT HAPPENED, BUT I WILL NOT ALLOW IT TO CONTINUE WITH MY EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS.” Take a deep breath, it’s not happening now. Learn to take the lessons with you, be more cautious, more alert, or whatever you have to do, but don’t take the victimizing woe is me thoughts with you. And if you need to, get support from a therapist or coach.

4. Step into the light. You are the writer of your own story. Do you want to keep living the old story? Do you want to hide in the shadows? You know the old story, but now is the time to write a new one. In your new story focus on solutions, positive thoughts, positive people, supportive circles. This will help you get out of the shadows of the past.

5. Count your blessings. The power of positive thinking is a powerful tool. Focus on what you have, the good that’s happened in your life, what you’ve learned about yourself and other. Look at your strength, you’re still standing. If you need to, make a list. I did this for a time. I kept a journal in which I wrote at least 5 things I was thankful for every single day. Initially it was hard to think of that many (as if 5 is a big number right?) things to add at the end of the day. But after a short time of struggling to find the positives I began to see more and more things in my every day and in my past to be thankful for. I stopped keeping the journal simply because I didn’t have enough time in the evening to sit and write it all down!

I’m writing this post because I’ve been looking at those around me and seeing how my attitude now is affecting my relationships with them. And I’m remembering those relationships just a few months ago. Major difference. The victim mentality is felt by others, including your children. It was very hard for me to take control and reclaim my power. It’s still hard at times. But I had to realize that I was attracting what I put out into the universe. I was relying on those around me for my happiness, yet never expecting them to make me happy at the same time. Can we say crazy? Ok, maybe not crazy, but definitely not logical, possible, positive, or productive.

If you’ve read any of my story then you know that I was a victim of child sexual abuse, verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. And I have struggled with that for 26 years. I’m in a very good place right now, but that has taken work. And I know it will take work to maintain it. These are steps I know that I will have to take over and over to achieve that. I’m hoping that by sharing my story, my struggles, my failure, and my triumphs someone else will be empowered, encouraged, and blessed.

*I want it to be understood that no where in this message do I want it to come across as abuse being the fault of the victim and the abuser being free of responsibility. This message is simply a matter of you choosing yourself and your life over the abuser and you winning your personal war.